Law #4: PRIORITIZE SLEEP, WHICH MAY MEAN SLEEPING SEPARATELY FROM YOUR PARTNER
This issue is inspired by Vanity Girl TokTok-er Renee Grenon from Toronto, who openly shares her sleeping arrangement with Pre Moodley, a surgeon. Renee explains why she and her snoring hubby, who has a different sleep schedule, chose to sleep in separate bedrooms. We love her openness and honesty about this subject in an environment where some immediately judge a relationship where a couple sleeps separately as a loveless, sexless union.
Sleeping separately can be a fantastic arrangement that enhances a couple’s happiness, attraction, sexual appetite, individual health, and relationships, making for better, more productive days. Quality sleep must be a priority, and a mindset shift away from the thought that sleeping together is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship is vital for couples who suffer from sleep fragmentation: interruptions in sleep. If you experience disruptions in sleep patterns because you and your partner have misaligned sleep patterns, you have options, and ending the relationship or continuing to suffer aren’t your only two choices.
Here are some reasons you may consider sleeping separately.
If there are sleep disturbances. Objective measures of sleep suggest that partners sleep better when they sleep alone, even if the partners think otherwise. Sleep disruptions increase even more for those with partners who snore or have obstructive sleep apnea.
If you have different sleep-wake patterns. For partners who go to bed or wake up on different schedules, sleeping in separate bedrooms could help enhance both partners’ sleep. For instance, if only one of you is an insomniac or goes to bed late, that can impact rest for the person who goes to bed early. Likewise, if one of you is an earlier riser, while the other is a night owl who sleeps until 10 AM, the earlier riser could make morning sleep difficult for the other.
If you have sleep-altering caregiving responsibilities. Taking care of children or adult dependents can create difficulties with sleep patterns that could make sleeping together difficult temporarily or long-term. If these responsibilities make sleeping together difficult, sleeping separately and alternating responsibilities could help keep both partners better balanced with sleep.
If your optical sleeping conditions aren’t aligned. Both partners will suffer if ideal sleeping routines and conditions are too varied. For instance, if one person needs noise at night for better sleep while the other needs complete silence, that will create discord, leading to daytime irritability for one or both partners. Similarly, mattress preferences, bedding choices, and temperature can all be factors of conflict that impact sleep.
If you have work schedules that impact sleep. Suppose one of you works at night either outside the home (graveyard shift) or from home (perhaps because you run an international business with contacts in other time zones). In that case, your sleep patterns may suffer without a sleeping adjustment.
If you have allergy issues. Your partner may love the new pets they inherited when partnering with you, but they can’t help if they make them sneeze. Several unions begin with valued pets already in tow, but if sleeping in the same bed with them or on bedding where they have roamed isn’t your partner’s thing for any number of reasons, including sneezing, your co-sleeping arrangement may need an adjustment. Sleeping with nasal and chest congestion doesn’t lead to a good night’s rest.
Work on this mindset shift. “Sleeping together” is not the same as “sex.” Even though we use the language synonymously, they aren't the same. Sexual intimacy doesn’t have to fade from sleeping separately. Sleeping is just that—sleeping. And sex is something you do when you’re not sleeping. Don’t fall victim to the thought that sleeping apart signifies a loveless or sexless coupling.
Instead, prioritize sleep in your union. Making sleep a priority for both partners is essential. Quality sleep and healthy sleeping patterns can strengthen relationships, while poor sleep can impact your relationship negatively. Moreover, individual health improves with good, intentional sleeping patterns. Healthy individuals make a healthy couple, which enhances the chances of a healthy relationship.
Focus on the time before falling asleep and after waking up. Don’t despair if your sleep patterns are misaligned—that doesn’t spell ruin for your relationship. Solid problem-solving skills can help you overcome the challenges of out-of-sync sleeping patterns between a loving couple. Focus on the time before falling asleep by developing a pre-sleep ritual that starts before the first of you goes to sleep. If you’re a night owl and your partner isn’t, for instance, you could spend some time in bed with your partner before they fall asleep, then quietly leave the room and return to your natural routine. On the other hand, your partner could deliver the same dose of energy to your morning routine. When they wake up before you, they can do something meaningful like return to bed to wish you a good morning, pre-make your coffee, turn the romance up with breakfast in bed, or skip the romance altogether and wake you up in a more naughty fashion. 😈
Try a hybrid approach in the right circumstances. You can develop a hybrid approach if your sleeping incompatibility is seasonal or only during certain parts of the week. For instance, if sleep issues occur Monday through Friday due to work schedules, you can sleep together on Friday and Saturday nights. Or if one of you experiences difficult work situations only during certain parts of the year, you could sleep separately then and together during the off-season.
You can always go back if it doesn’t work out. Sometimes, trying new things is the best way to evaluate if they work for you. Nothing has to be permanent if you, as a couple, don’t want it to be. So try sleeping separately, see if it works, and then decide if you wish to continue sleeping separately or go back to sleeping together.
One size doesn’t fit all couples. Flexibility and experimentation are the keys to finding a good sleep arrangement. First and foremost, make sleep a priority. If sleep is a priority for you both, everything else is negotiable. Never forget the importance of sleep—this research suggests being well-rested makes you better at communication, more empathetic, funnier, and even more attractive! As long as you both value the critical importance of sleep, you’ll invest what is necessary to make your relationship solid whether you sleep together or apart.
Stop thinking that sleep deprivation is a badge of honor. Whose guilty? I am—my hand is raised! 🙋🏽As I write this, I recall the days when I thought pushing through a day on 3 hours of sleep was brag-worthy. It’s not. Too little sleep impacts too many things, from your relationships to your health. Just stop that sh*t already, and get some damn rest.
Explain things to children and other “need to knows.” If your family includes children, live-ins, roommates, or in-laws that stay with you, avoid insecurities, embarrassment, or questions of concern by talking to everyone who needs to know about your sleeping arrangements and the reasons for them. This communication is less about managing the gossip wheel than ensuring that the people who love you understand your choices and how to support them. Sometimes, sharing specific details helps others understand and process your sleeping arrangements in ways that make them better able to support you. Particularly with children, discuss your arrangements with them often and check in to make sure they understand that your sleeping choices don’t spell disaster for your relationship.
Explore medical solutions to health problems if desired. If your issues with co-sleeping arrangements come from a correctible health issue like some forms of snoring, explore treatment if desired.
Be honest. If your desire to sleep apart comes from anything other than genuine sleep incompatibility, like resentment, unhappiness, or a waning sexual connection, be honest with yourself and your partner about those issues instead of hiding behind difficulty co-sleeping for other reasons.
"The effects of sleeping in separate rooms can be extremely positive for a relationship, extremely negative for a relationship, or anything in between. Each couple should examine and discuss clearly and specifically their thoughts, feelings, and needs around this issue to find a mutually satisfying compromise."
- Dr. Joseph Cilona, psychologist
"There's no research that suggests that couples who sleep apart for the purpose of better sleep have any less of a romantic connection than couples who share a bed."
- Dr. Meir Kryger, professor of medicine at Yale's School of Medicine and author of "The Principles and Practice of Sleep Medicine"
"There are some couples for whom the decision to sleep apart is a sign of something awry in the relationship.”
- Wendy Troxel, senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corp and author of "Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep"
"My parents sleeping apart demonstrated to me that they had enough confidence in their relationship that they were willing to detour from the normative path."
- Leina Hsu
"It is possible for sex lives to dwindle when sleeping in different beds and there can also be a general reduction in overall communication creating distance. But as a sex therapist, I know of couples who do sleep separately but still maintain a healthy sex life and good quality communication. The key to a successful relationship between the sheets is to talk to each other about your likes and dislikes regarding sleeping arrangements. Once this conversation has been concluded and agreements have been decided make sure that the situation is then reviewed in three to six months' time to check if either wants to change the arrangement."
- Gill Booth, counselor specializing in relationships and psychosexual therapy
"There's no hard and fast rule for couples to follow regarding sleeping together. It can be good for some couples and bad for others. To determine if sleeping in a different bed works for a couple, they need to understand what motivates the separation. If they are harmonious in their reasons for sleeping in different beds, then it can work and be a meaningful solution for a better night's rest. However, if sleeping in a different bed is a means to avoid conflict and intimacy, then it can be one more nail in the coffin of a relationship that is not working. If the motivation to sleep in a different bed is driven by unresolved conflict, then it can intensify an already tension-filled relationship. What is meaningful is the impetus behind sleeping separately. If the idea is to distance yourself more from your partner, then sleeping apart can be another significant step towards the dissolution of the relationship. Ultimately, what matters is keeping a relationship fortified with a healthy balance of emotional and physical intimacy. Every couple has a different percentage of what they need in this department. If each person feels fulfilled, then drifting apart will be less likely."
- Jamie Schenk DeWitt, MA, licensed marriage and family therapist
“Part of the issue in a marriage is that sleep patterns often track together. If one person is restless or has chronic problems, that can impact the other’s sleep. If these problems persist over time, you can get this nasty reverberation within the couple.”
- Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD, researcher and director of the Ohio State University’s Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research
“Call [snoring] collateral damage from sleeping next to a freight train. The irregular, loud, unnatural sounds disrupt the sleep cycle, preventing the bed partner from reaching the deep sleep that is necessary to feel alert and refreshed the next day.”
- Anil Rama, MD, Adjunct Clinical Faculty at the Stanford Center for Sleep Sciences and Medicine, Medical Director of Kaiser Permanente’s tertiary sleep medicine laboratory, and author of “SHUT UP and Sleep”
“No one ever considers sleep compatibility during the courtship phase of a relationship…[but] you should. The same environmental and internal factors that help one person sleep may disrupt the sleep of someone else. Sleep fragmentation, in turn, leads to light, non-restorative sleep and daytime fatigue and irritability.”
- Anil Rama, MD
We vote for health in a relationship, whatever it takes. We aggressively push back against any suggestion that the normative approach is the only option. What works in a relationship is what works in that relationship, and it can be different for every relationship. As in most situations, the key is effective communication, but everything starts with mutual respect. If a couple respects each other and believes that problem-solving comes from a place of positive (rather than negative) intentions, they can conquer mountains together. Let that be your focus—not following a Rockwellian view of an idealistic life.
If you and your partner are in sync with your sleeping patterns, this research suggests you’ll enjoy some relationship advantages. If that’s you, congratulations—you may never need to consider other sleeping arrangements!
Also, if you’re still in the dating phase, making sleep compatibility one of the measures you consider when choosing a partner could help you avoid ending up in conversations about addressing sleep incomparability altogether. But of course, not all issues that impact sleep can be known in advance. For instance, future job or schedule changes, later onset of a health issue, or unexpected caregiver responsibilities can all come into the picture later. If those things emerge, knowing how to adjust sleep conditions can make you a hero in maintaining your relationship through complex sleeping changes.
Finally, if your housing situation doesn't permit the luxury of sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms, you may have to get more creative. Still, focus on strategies that give both of you what you need for the best sleep.